Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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