So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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