I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
