i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
