they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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