3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
