Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
