note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
