She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
