apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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