Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
