The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
