You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
