Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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