I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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