The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
