I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
