Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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