New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
