Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
