if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Drunk is not a location!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
