Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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