you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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