John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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