I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize