My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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