I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
