Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
