broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
