if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
