you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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