I just made out with a guy for $7.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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