I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
