i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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