I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
