I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
