So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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