Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
