Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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