some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
