I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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