my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
