I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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