This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
