just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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