She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
