I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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