haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
