Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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