Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
