We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
bring money and cleavage
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
