I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
