so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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