and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize