I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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