And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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