I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
